I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
