she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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