OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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