just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
