I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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