I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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