I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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