I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
