so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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