why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
