He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
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What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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