Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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