Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
