Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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