I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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