You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
