Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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