I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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