weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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