I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
