This is not my ceiling
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
