I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
