put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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