My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
