If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
