Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
