It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The best revenge is premature balding
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
