In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It was like giving head to a cactus.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
