i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
