I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
