Your face is a jimmy john
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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