I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
