This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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