Moan for me like Helen Keller
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
