she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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