She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She's just so happy...and so naked.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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