the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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