So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
