I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
