I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
