If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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