I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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