The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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