Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
