i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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