Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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