They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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