my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
