Your face is a jimmy john
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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