DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
