Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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