In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
